When I grow up....

When we are small, we often get asked, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" My answer was always "mermaid!" I thought this was a great life choice, swimming around all day, singing my mermaid songs, playing with my fishey friends. Until one day, after spending all day in the pool, my father very ernistly told me I had the wrong parents. Now from here, there's many directions we can go. We could examine the "wrong parents" comment, for which I would agree, insofar as yes, I definitely did have one wrong parent. For a plethora of reasons, including but not limited to his lack of mer heritage. It has taken me a very long time to forgive his rather harsh way of teaching life lessons. I have forgiven, for the most part, but unfortunately, I will never forget. I will never forget living in constant fear. I will never forget the corporal punishment delivered for falling off my bike. I will never forget hiding at the top of the closet with the door closed, curled up on a stack of blankets, holding my breath, and trying for the life of me to figure out what exactly it was that I had done to deserve what I knew was coming. My point in all this is, I think that as I was growing my mind was so focused on survival that it just didn't have time to worry about what I was going to be when I got big. Which brings me to this constant, nagging, overwhelming feeling, of being completely, totally, and utterly lost. Other than a mermaid, there was nothing that I wanted to be. Not a fireman, policeman, teacher, ballerina, doctor, lawyer, tightrope walker, lion tamer, tile setter, gardener, architect, chef, marine biologist. Nothing. Mermaid was it. And unless I start sprouting fins and acquire a seashell bra pretty quick, I'm going to have to come up with another course of action. But what will I do? How will I do it? Who, but me, can answer this question? I recognize I'm the master of my domain, designer of my destiny, queen of my castle, but I'm haveing a seriously hard time figuring out which direction my vocational compass is pointing. I need a direction, a path, a goal, but right now it feels like I'm stuck in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, walking around in circles. It's irritating, it's so far beyond frustrating that the light from constellation frustration will take about a billion years to reach earth. I'm sure the fact that I'm turning 30 this year isn't helping, fear of turning into a pumpkin and all that... So what's a girl to do? I guess I just thought I'd have my shit together by now, marriage, babies, career, house, etc., but alas, I am lost. If only my parents had fins...