Hearts and bones and things that break...

Charlie Sheen said "the best way to not get your heart broken, is to pretend you don't have one." I don't buy it. I have a heart. A big one. It gets broken often. And even after all the crap, I'd rather have a heart that is capable of love that gets broken from time to time, than one that is made of stone. I put myself out there, I trust, I hope, I wish, I jump in with both feet, I give it my all, I give my heart to those I feel deserve it, and one day I know I will give it to one who will not throw it away. One who will not break it. One who will understand what it takes to give it, and will give theirs back in return. Sometimes I wonder how wide the line is between strong and jaded. Cutting yourself off is just all to easy. But when does it end? When do you find it? I don't need a knight in shining armor, just a nice man in blue jeans, who can occasionally rescue me from wilder beasts. That's all. But where is the elusive Mr. Right? Where does he reside? Where would I even begin to look for him? Maybe it's just not the right time. Maybe it is only when I have given up the search that I will find my match. Who knows. All I know is I'm tired. I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of perpetually feeling like crap. I have no idea what to do to get out of this funk I have so masterfully gotten myself into. It's not even about a person, or lack there of, it's me. I'm the one who's broken, and unlike everything else, every other situation, I can't fix this. I can't make myself feel better. It doesn't matter what I do. I can't smoke it away, drink it away, eat it away, sleep it away, talk it away, fuck it away, it just never goes away. Never gets better. The pills, the therapy, the daily pushing of myself out of my comfort zone, the trying new things, the going new places, nothing. Nothing works. I'm broke, I'm so fucking tired I could cry, I can't even see the light from hope. I don't quit, ever, but I'm getting close to feeling that I'm out of options, and I'm wondering what the point is. What is the point of an existence that is basically wasting space? I'm simply asking, what is the fucking point?? It either needs to end, or it needs to get better, but either way, something's gotta give

When I grow up....

When we are small, we often get asked, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" My answer was always "mermaid!" I thought this was a great life choice, swimming around all day, singing my mermaid songs, playing with my fishey friends. Until one day, after spending all day in the pool, my father very ernistly told me I had the wrong parents. Now from here, there's many directions we can go. We could examine the "wrong parents" comment, for which I would agree, insofar as yes, I definitely did have one wrong parent. For a plethora of reasons, including but not limited to his lack of mer heritage. It has taken me a very long time to forgive his rather harsh way of teaching life lessons. I have forgiven, for the most part, but unfortunately, I will never forget. I will never forget living in constant fear. I will never forget the corporal punishment delivered for falling off my bike. I will never forget hiding at the top of the closet with the door closed, curled up on a stack of blankets, holding my breath, and trying for the life of me to figure out what exactly it was that I had done to deserve what I knew was coming. My point in all this is, I think that as I was growing my mind was so focused on survival that it just didn't have time to worry about what I was going to be when I got big. Which brings me to this constant, nagging, overwhelming feeling, of being completely, totally, and utterly lost. Other than a mermaid, there was nothing that I wanted to be. Not a fireman, policeman, teacher, ballerina, doctor, lawyer, tightrope walker, lion tamer, tile setter, gardener, architect, chef, marine biologist. Nothing. Mermaid was it. And unless I start sprouting fins and acquire a seashell bra pretty quick, I'm going to have to come up with another course of action. But what will I do? How will I do it? Who, but me, can answer this question? I recognize I'm the master of my domain, designer of my destiny, queen of my castle, but I'm haveing a seriously hard time figuring out which direction my vocational compass is pointing. I need a direction, a path, a goal, but right now it feels like I'm stuck in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, walking around in circles. It's irritating, it's so far beyond frustrating that the light from constellation frustration will take about a billion years to reach earth. I'm sure the fact that I'm turning 30 this year isn't helping, fear of turning into a pumpkin and all that... So what's a girl to do? I guess I just thought I'd have my shit together by now, marriage, babies, career, house, etc., but alas, I am lost. If only my parents had fins...

Lies...

We are taught from a very young age, that if something hurts, or is uncomfortable, that it is good for you. In my opinion, this is simply not the case. For instance, bladder infections hurt, they're not good for you. Stubbing your toe hurts,that's not good for you. Missing someone hurts, that's not good for you. Burning yourself on the oven hurts, that's not good for you. Diving into an empty pool and landing on your head hurts, and that's definitely not good for you! I could go on, but I think you get the point. Where in our history did we decide that if something sucks it's for your benefit? "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger", "no pain, no gain", "your never given more than you can handle", "the truth hurts", " love hurts", "life is hard", "no one said it was going to be easy", and on, and on, and on... Lies! I am tired of constantly waiting for the "other shoe to drop", being weary of things that are "too good to be true", not "counting my chickens before they're hatched.". I want to count my chickens damnit! I want something to go well without the constant black cloud of impending doom. I want love at first sight, eternal bliss, and no more penis shots on dating sights! I really don't think I'm asking for all that much. I'm harboring no delusions that things are going to be hunky dory everyday, for all time. I understand things (love, life, etc.) take work. It's not the work part I have problems with, it's the constant nagging from my subconscious that if it's not hard enough it's not worth it. I'm not even going to get started on the damage fairy tales cause, or romantic comedies for that matter, but clearly this "life is shit" notion is something that the human race has been struggling with for millennia. I think it's the love part that sends things sideways. This whole sex for recreation vs. procreatin thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge proponent of sex for recreation, but I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I think the animal kingdom is onto something. Most notably when it comes to online dating. Though I suppose the cock shots do reference the mating rituals of animals, and times long past. I propose we change our way to thinking, we shift from "life is suffering," to "life is good." I want my happy ending, I long to wake up beside my true love, everyday, for the rest of my life. I say thumbs down to constant struggle, and bring on the kittens and daffodils!